Hello world; here's a shitty picture.

The meaning of life.... X/O

The city is in black and white
and your doctor told you to go home
you hypochondriac
you liver of life

each day that passes
is just another reason to question yourself
and why you are alive
what is the meaning of life?

she tells me to be alive
he says to change the world
and my humble beginnings tell me to reproduce
it makes sense
doesn't it?

every species alive and even dead
has not lived to change the world
has not lived to fall in love
has not had any choice other than to live
why must we think that we are better?

We are all alive just because we are.........
creating more life is just what happens when creatures are allowed to live
and i'm sorry, but it's the truth

but the meaning of life is just that simple

Sure, i want to create
sure, i want to travel
sure, i want to experience life to it's fullest
sure, i want to change the world
sure, i would love to make a difference

Really
when it all comes down to it
when it really gets to the bone
and the hot dog that you were chasing
is taken out from in front of your face
you are alone
with nothing to show for it.

The loom of mind.

Time is nothing but fiber
it is nothing but a cluster fuck of potentiality
possible outcomes shaved off the backs of sheep
maybes, could be's and can be's crunched up and ground down
to a thick cottage cheese soup of colors and dyes

anything that could happen and will happen
is bleached out and cotton ginned
it is deseeded and cleaned
with a mixture of probably and should be
the raw material of time is possibility
your brain the loom
weaving, twisting and sewing
intertwining
taking possibility
and creating experience
every moment that passes
is just woven from a shit-soup of anything

The clammer quantum physics mixed with a hint of Allister.

Controlling your life
is simple
the placebo effect

Why doesn't everybody believe in this?
Why do doctors even use placebos?

If you didn't really have he ability to control your own universe, then why is there a such thing as placebos? And cancer clinics for that matter. I don't know if you know this but i am happy.

I am truly, honestly happy
and i have enjoyed where my life has taken me so far
I have enjoyed every step of the way
and i have lived every experience to its fullest ((in my mind) everybody has their own ideas of "fullest")

There have been lows
and there have been highs

I have not failed to experience anything
and i have not turned on the "autopilot"

So why is it so hard for people to believe that they can control, if not maneuver their own reality. Their own universe.
Besides, don't we all live in separate universes anyway?
Meaning: I see things differently than you
I see things differently than anybody
I perceive reality to be what i can see, through my eyes and what i can sense in all my other connections to this world. I have created a road map of my universe and what i think that it looks like, what i think of the ways i see things. We all are our own cartographers. We all are our own philosophers. We all are our own scientists and theologists.

I am no more right than you.

Or...... Am i?

The placebo effect at work.

I have taken a pill. This pill will ultimately lead to happiness. This pill will open up my eyes to a lot of new circumstances. I must take these circumstances and experiences as they come and always learn from them. Knowing full well that the addition and the multiplication of these happenings will eventually one day lead to my ultimate happiness. And if i may find happiness in the search, and if i may find happiness in the struggle and experience. And if i may find happiness in the worst of times. If i can remain high spirited throughout my life as it wanders and meanders through time, then the placebo will kick in. And i will be free.

Whats your frequency?

Kennith is laying next to me and
his lips are moving
about the government situation
his jaw is flapping and I hear nothing
he is taking apart the English language
and pasting it together again
he is a montage of video clips
from world war three
or four
"What war?"

I say with a twist
with just enough wit
"War is all in your head
and here laying
Kennith you're dead.
Hows that for a god damn rhyme?
a god damn mind fucking rhyme, Kennith!"

"My heads on fire and it hurts when I piss, Kennith
call a doctor and tell him to get a clue
when he's tapping your knee and the priest is inside you"
it's belief in miracles
that gives America its trust
that gives America it oil, wealth and comfort
Go colts!

"And I'm excited Kennith,
I know the meaning of life
it is sad and tried and true
Kennith its horrible and I
shouldn't tell you
because when the levee breaks
from over your head
you have nothing left to grab
just your neighbor's old photo albums
just somebody else's belongings
so take your big screen
and take your wife by the hand
kiss her while you can
because I know the meaning of life Kennith
I know

Hows that for a god damn rhyme?
a god damn mind fucking rhyme Kennith!"

Hangovers in a world without inspiration, love, care, responsibility. And really, nobody learns anything.

What is the use?

This morning started out with potential
But I will do no good
I will not change anything today

It is bad enough for me to think that?
Is the whole world thinking that?
Or, rather do they not think at all
androids
flipping switches and screws
uninspired to change the world
or change anything anymore

the government is tracking your process
and keeping a database
on OSX... of course

The blacksmith is no longer black
and the silver smith isn't much of a smith
the cobbler makes software
to exploit young children
far far away
as long as you're detached

as long as you are not the one dropping the salvages of food
strung by parachutes
down to the starving countries
as long as you don't see the tears of the mothers
breaking down
with no way out

with no razorblades to end it all
without a cliff or a stitch of rope
these are the people
that want to drink your six dollar latte
and see how incredible it tastes when consumed with your four dollar apple scone
frosted with the sweetened mothers milk of a hard working lower class
stable boy
who is honest
who loves his friends
and who shops at wall mart for all his new baby clothes

the world stops
and the string quits the vibration
the easy fabric of black matter unwinds
lets loose its grip
Andromeda turns around and in it goes

Mother Mary
is sitting on a pile of reeds
and you step up for a taste
all she needs is a few drinks and a few hundred dollars
much too fun for just one person
so you step up
and no, not technically
it's not rape
there's consent

Girls gone wild for your briefcase
when tomorrow comes they'll steal your shoes
and take pictures of your favourite celeb

so tomorrow when you wake up
i hope you don't think
and i wish you the worst
there's unlimited possibilities and i hope you chose wrong
because your country has already chosen for you.

Allister Reynoldsism

Why do people believe in urban myths?
For the same reason they believe in Christianity.
It is something to hold on to.
Something separate, yet close.
Something different , yet ultimately attainable.
If you separate yourself from original experience, then the truth can be stretched.
If you did not see, it does not mean that nothing happened.
Belief leaves too much information in the air.
It leaves too much room for possibility and circumstances.
How long was the fish?
"This long"
How much did that cost?
"This much"

It is a telephone wire world that we live in.

Our parents, our teachers can do amazing things with assembling young minds. They know what switches to pull, buttons to push and holes to mend for us to mature. They know how to create a working member of society. They know what morals to teach, they know what lessons need to be learned, they know how to discipline, medicate, cheat, love, just enough for us to work. Just enough for us to get a job and hopefully create a family of our own. On and on and on.

For humans to advance we need more. We need an all around belief. As good as morals. We need something to hold on to, or at least ultimately know. Most of all we need something to experience. If we do not experience, then we do not know; we may believe, but we do not know. If we do not see your fish we will never know the size. If we did not watch the transaction we will never know the price. If we did not see the miracle we will never know its awe.

As humans, in the realm of spirituality, we are left out in the cold on our asses and told to find our own way.

I know it is near impossible to explain existence.
I know it is nearly impossible to define reality.
Is it not nearly impossible to transplant human hearts?
Is it not nearly impossible to clone a being?

All we need is school.
All we need is students.
All we need is thought.
All we need is practice and something will arise.
Surely, something will arise.

Discovery is what happens when ignorance learns.

Narcissism

I found interesting information on the Internet
suggesting that we (humans) have been here for longer than once expected.
suggesting that we (humans) were put here by aliens.
suggesting that science as we know it may be just as false as religion

I read that we have successfully tested the use of microchips in rat brains

I saw information on black holes.

I heard about dark matter.

I know about quantum physics.

Yet today, i sold somebody a vacuum
Today, i ate breakfast
Today, i played with my dog in the snow

I am going to gargle saltwater and go to bed (strep throat)

I am listening to Glassjaw and John Hiatt on my media player

I have read your blogs
and i got laid the other night.

I need to change the water in my fish tank

I don't know..... I guess that i am just confused with life right now
the great Allister Reynolds
confused....... to his very fiber..... confused

my thoughts on life are all coming out to be right
What is it like to lose faith?

If you can control your universe then what do you have to be unhappy about?

?Thoughts?

If sleep is a foundation for life, then what is life the foundation for?

Perspective.
A second is just one human heartbeat.
Shows how perfect science is.

How often do you take the time to appreciate your life?
Stop
Collapse
Reflect

4......3.....2....1...Creation

Start

triangles and sandstone
a quarter-sized pebble
no wait
silver dollar, black
drifting along crests and valleys
whitecaps and acid rain
this is the ocean
this is time
these are the slow motion vehicles
of glaciers
lifting you up
laying you down on the cold ocean floor
ready for escape at any time
you pause
and stalk your way down the hall
for fear of sounding too profound
I toss in a fact
to throw you off

now a grain of sand
insignificant
and useless
you are a mere vote
in this great democracy
this great desert
when once, long ago
you were special
a pebble laying on a stipple print beach
magnified dots per inch
you were chosen

the hands of a child
first learning to skip stones
wrapped their tiny fingers around your flesh
warming your soul, caressing it's figure
life is starting over
as the molten rivers
connect you to a new future

Political reconstructionism

I want to change the government.
Every politician is corrupt.

This, of course, is a result of a political conversation. My sister is a democrat. I hear her rambling on and on about "republican" this "bush" that. "Foreign policy", "jobs", "bla bla bla".

We need a radio station
We need a television station
We need pod casts
We need satellite broadcasts
Devoted to politics.
We need to know everything there is to know about our candidates.
We need to know the good and the bad
We need an unbiased research agency to study our candidates and report to us.
We need unfiltered and unadulterated truth.
Every politician is corrupt.

We need the agency to report this, to report the level of corruption.

Our votes and opinions should have no connection to advertising.
Our votes and opinions should have no connection to money, or buyouts.
The government should support itself when it comes to elections.
No candidate should have any more coverage than the next.
The government "for the people, by the people" does not exist. It has evolved, devolved into this corrupt money-laundering monster. A monster that needs to be taught a lesson. We need to stand up against the government that has become this monster. You and I, blue collar and frustrated, need to stand up for what is right. We have been pushed around and bullied far too long.

I am not speaking of a revolution.
I am not speaking of anarchy
(that would be immature and idiotic)
What I am speaking of is............. A new government. Rewriting the constitution.

The United States of America is not the same as it was. We are not the small idealistic nation that we once were. We are not a self sufficient perfect nation.
Our government has become nothing more than a big business. This is true.
We only make decisions for monetary gain. Our elections are based upon money. Our policies are skewed to show more profit. Our actions as a nation are all dictated by money and not society.

I understand that some communism may not be the best.
I understand that some democracies are not the best.
I understand that anarchy is not the best.
But what is so wrong with fixing our government? What is so wrong with changing the system for the benefit of it's people? What is so bad about adapting?
Mostly, what is so wrong with trying?
Why must we stick with this constitution that was written in a different time, culture and state of mind than our own.

Call me an idiot; call me what you will, but I just don't understand.

That brings about a question.....

What do infants dream?

do they dream of womb and doctor?
do they dream of blood and muffled sound?
do they dream of fluid motion?
do they dream at all?
It has been said that the blind do not dream with images. The blind dream with sound and touch.
I am sure that the same could be said for a person with a lack of feeling; dreaming in sights and sound.
I am sure that the same could be said for one without hearing; dreaming in touch and sight.
I am sure that the same could be said for a person who cannot see color; dreaming in black and white and gray and sound and touch.
I do not taste in my dreams.
I do not dream of scent.
Although I have touch, I do not dream with it.
I perceive colors.
I perceive images.
I perceive sounds.
I want to dream like a newborn.
I want my mind to have nothing but itself.
I would like my imagination without reference.
I would like true reflection.


If a fetus would dream without senses, I would envy that dream.

A secret.

Don't tell anybody
Don't even look like you know something. People can read you like a book, you know? You are a jabberjaw. You cannot keep a secret. You cannot keep your mouth shut. You are a gossip queen. I can't trust you not to tell.

You walk around with a weight on your shoulders until you tell your secret.
Until you get it off your chest, you look scared.
You look like, at any moment, you could spill your guts. (which are actually my guts that I gave you)

I am starting a religion.

This is crazy..................
..........But, how crazy was Jesus?
how crazy was Buddha?
how crazy was Gandhi?
how crazy was Einstein?
how crazy was Confucius?

I could do it. If you could just follow me.




Why would you follow me????????????>>>>>>>>>>>>>>???????????.............?????????





Because you need it.
You do.

***********************************
DID YOU KNOW THAT ALLIGATORS ONLY LIVE TO ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD AND CROCODILES LIVE TO ABOUT 100?
***********************************

You are lost trying to find yourself. You have given up on religion.
Somehow, you have figured out that the bible does not solve anything, or lead you anywhere.
Sure, it is a good book. Filled with good teachings and stories. You know that life just isn't that simple. You are just too smart for that.
You are intelligent.
You have thought and debated.

That is why I am here.
To show you why.
To step up.

I know that you know, but, does everybody else?
I am willing to devote my life to religion.
I am willing to ba a savior.
I am willing to be a martyr.

Isn't that all you need?
Isn't that all you have been searching for?
Isn't that the reason you haven't already started your own religion?

keep the secret.
don't spill the beans
don't tell your friends
they will think I am crazy

Was Buddha crazy?

Narcissism

Narcissism.
What is this all about?

These delusions of grandeur.

What is perfection?

Why do I think that I am better than everybody else alive?

I can see that there are differences between everybody.
I can see that no one way of thought is any better than any others.
I can see that there is no possible way for my thought process to be better than anyone; just different.

We are all raised to believe different things.
We are all raised with different ways of thinking about different things.

Basically, we have the same morals.

Although the way we think of those morals is different.
The way we process our actions against those morals is different.

(I know that this is vague.
I know I speak in circles...... That's what I am good at.)

Even though I know all of these differences and relativities. I still think that I am , somehow, better than everybody else alive. What went wrong? In my childhood, what was askew? Is this because I am the youngest?
Is this because I was trained to OVERappreciate even the very least bit of affection?
Am i just immature?
That would make sense.

I don't really know.

And truly, I don't really care. I like thinking that I am better than everybody, even if I am not. Even if I know I am not. Even if I will never be. Even if it makes me worse for thinking so.
I enjoy the feeling of greatness, of absolute.

I hope I never lose this feeling.
I hope I can fall in love.

A short story for Ya'll

I was told to write a short story about, who the fuck knows what.

So I sat down and thought. I thought some more..... Then I came to a conclusion (as all good brainstorms should). I am an idiot who cannot ever write a short story.

What was I doing in high school, when I was supposed to be writing short stories; or at least reading them?

Was I staring at the girls tits next to me?

Was I thinking of the future?

Was I reading?

Was I watching the clock?

Most likely I was staring at the girl's tits next to me. When I was supposed to be learning about writing short stories, or at least reading one. Most likely I was thinking of, hopefully sometime seeing those tits without that stupid shirt on. The one that says "Stop staring, start tipping". When is my next class?

So alone I sit, awaiting inspiration. Waiting for a higher being to touch my skull and make me smart. Waiting for somebody fun to burst through my door without invitation. Somebody spontaneous, somebody startling. With an apple martini turned to watermelon(Ran out of apple pucker), I sit here. As I do every night.

At a blank computer screen.

Waiting for the words to float out of thin air, around my skull and to my fingers.

I know your waiting for it. You are waiting for the "that's when it happened" The "Then I saw".

But, there isn't one. Just a sad sorry night without inspiration, lacking any real purpose. And the only conclusion perceived is I am an idiot who cannot ever write a short story.

When i grow up!

I can't wait
until the day
that i am older
when women will want to be with me for that reason
i will be wise
instead of idealistic
i will be knowledgeable
instead of condescending
i will be an alcoholic
instead of a drunk
i will be exciting
instead of spontaneous
i will be caring
instead of being compassionate
i will be loving
instead of clingy
i will be everything
instead of being hopeful
i will be overweight
instead of chubby
i will have a young heart
instead of immature
i will be a procrastinator
instead of a coward
i will be a father
instead of a son
i will be a friend
instead of a buddy

I want to grow old
to find myself
to be myself
to be you
to see everything for how it really is
and not how my hormones
and thoughts perceive it

That will never happen; i know
but i guess it feels good
to think it will

it gives you hope
instead of thought

How old were you when you grew up?

Remember when you were a child.....
and all your underwear
had brown streaks running down the backside

all of your underwear.......

When came the day
you told yourself
you werent going to wipe your ass with your underwear anymore?

the day when you grew up?

Pontification at its finest. Read the previous post.

A little bit more about "Tex"
Tex says, that you cannot understand existence
I say "sure you can, Tex
how could you not, it is so easy"

Tex, looks at me
with that look
the look like he is better
and wiser
the look of a manager
a manager of a Kroger no less

I say "Tex, To understand existence is to understand understanding.
you must first understand that there is no understanding, thereby understanding understanding.
once you can understand that
then understanding existence
is simple
quite simple actually
existence is just a pathway
that your conscious mind takes to understanding
once you have understood that there is no understanding
then you will understand
that existence
is just a path"

Tex, looks at me
with that look
the look like he is better
and wiser
the look of a manager
a manager of a Kroger no less

He points his finger to the sky
and says, in his southern accent,
"thats all in need to understand"

As i finish my beer
slamming it down to the bar
wiping my lips
with forearm
"You just say that because you don't understand me"

Kroger OGRE!

Let me tell you about my night.
It started, with plans and free pool
pool wasn't free
but wings were twenty five cents
so we left
only to end up in a cheaper, but less hip
pool hall
with a fat waitress
so we left
only to end up in a cheaper, but less hip
bikini bar.
where I drank my guts off
where the little old Asian lady
fell in love
with my Asian friend
and bought us all shots
and I bought the waitress a shot
because she had a three year old daughter

we played pool with "Tex"
who apparently went to Texas A&M
"Go Longhorns!"
college boy, turned thirty six
wore a turtle neck
under his collared shirt

He manages a Kroger

His mother died,
I know, because I made a "your mom" joke
and he responded exactly like you wouldn't want him to
the response that every "your mom" joke maker fears
He manages a Kroger

The last call cut off my
"vampires will never hurt you"

On the drive home
White castle and a police officer
So we took the long way

Avoiding a speed bump is never a good idea
as I hit a rock
and popped my tire
we parked, grabbed a beer
slapped on the spare

In our drunken gait
Ray and I learned the rock a lesson
by flipping it over
not once, but three times flipped
and spitting on it

This morning ended up like every other
hungover and ashamed
but,
I don't manage a Kroger.

"Go Longhorns!"

Dust bunnies drank all my scotch.

I haven't smiled in three god damn days
and my hand is sore
from spilling my guts
luckily the paper
spreads its wings, opens spine
to catch my entrails
via pen
via type

I fall asleep without warning
and breathe alone, at random
each step is a heartbeat
waiting to trip, ready to fall
face down as an infant without reaction
every line break
and every period is just
a blink of my eye
waiting to pop from my skull
and roll onto the floor

under the bed
where i hide my whiskey
where the dust bunnies protect my wine
my vice
my daily nightcap

somebody tell them to stop
throwing parties
till all hours of the morning
with their electronic
hiphoporchestropop

now, i have no problem with dust bunnies
living under my bed
and i sure wont kick them out
but, drunk dust bunnies
I hate!

I haven't smiled in three days
as i walk like a zombie
my head still rattles
from last night
so, again, i spill my guts.