Schizophrenia

i am waiting here
and the world is spinning inside my head
like bubbles
my angel is a child trying its hardest to pop it
floating all along
and out my mouth
i spill my words like school glue
and paste my thoughts together
in incoherent sentences
just for you to figure me out
and place your meanings
it's called art
and its called self expression

this is truth, this is honesty
people tell me i talk too much
people say i speak of nothing
opening my mouth without any thought
and if it is not something nice to say
i shouldn't speak at all
they say listen to your mother
listen to your teachings
my grandfather was schizophrenic
delusions of grandeur and all
when i turned seventeen
my mother (the alcoholic) thought i was headed in his direction
now,
i really think i am

who deems sanity anyway?
what does?
some shrink hating his job
stuck in a cube all day
with magazines in the office depicting
skydiving
and scuba diving
and high diving
and all other kinds of diving

I think too much
too many words and worlds
float about my head
like galaxies stuck inside
the sky
i am laying down
and looking up
my words happen just like sight
choosing which star to focus my attention
choosing what planet to speak of
putting words in my mouth
who are you today Allister?
what will you become?
are you happy Allister?

tell me about yourself
let me hear what you think
when you are sitting
with your game face
and trying your hardest not to spill your guts
trying your hardest not to tell him the truth

the shrink hates his job
it's fucking work
he hates his fucking work
i should be asking him about his life
because i know the truth

we are governed by our reactions
and thats it
you make yourself crazy
you make yourself a killer
a child molester
a cannibal
a rapist
depending on how you react
to your external stimuli
and yes, asshole, sometimes it gets hard
but alcohol helps

Sacrafice and thoughts for thinkers.

here i am
on the altar, uninspired breathing
reading from the past
words of priests and saviors
fill my mouth and spill my lips
we all grovel at their feet
and dust away the stones
spread me out
i am done

why today do we see human life the way we do,
when years ago killing had a purpose and a structure?
killing was just an entrance
and you know what?
it just shows us that we really aren't christian at all
we really don't believe in an afterlife
why does it matter if somebody takes your flesh
why does it matter if somebody kills your child
your wife
we all end up in the same place anyway
right?

no, i don't believe it, you do.

you believe that you go somewhere special
are you scared that you may not go the the right place
down instead of up?
are you scared that you may not have loved enough?
have you not been happy?
have you taken more than you have ever given?
what is all this shit?
why shouldn't i be able to kill you?

it is because our lives are no longer governed
by consciousness and morals
they are planned and plotted by the laws
and regulations that you abide by.

if our lives were as they should, then killing for a purpose would be completely reasonable.
dieing for a reason would be completely reasonable
if we believed as we used to, then life would be our gateway

we are a society of nihilists and atheists, no matter what they say
and i am one of them.

although.....my spell check tells me to capitalize "christian".

The bar scene.

This is it,
where it all begins
where it all started
sitting at a corner bar
alone and at random
this music is nothing
notes and screaming
bad voices
bad poetry written on the backs of dollar bills
and twenty dollar hookers

i end it all and open the door
she is looking more and more
in my direction
and i choke down another drink
i stumble to the sink
and bleed out my past
i swear baby, it will never last
and here, writing
i fall into a trance
begin to spin my pen
as i run out of thought and pleasure.

Conversations with myself.

"This is all some sort of scam. It has to be. Some sort of scam."

"If it is, then who is running it?"

"I don't know, maybe some sort of underground uber-intelligent-super-race. You know like smart people, living underground and controlling us."

"But why would they do that? What would this uber super race need with us? We are all just ignorant idiots, what good is it to have us around, consuming, destroying and polluting their world."

"Well, maybe they can't alter this dimension. Maybe they need us to alter our surroundings so that finally, one day we will have figured out how to reach their dimension and help them cross."

"If they are so smart, then why cant they figure out how to cross dimensions and we can?"

"Well, they DO know how, but you need a person(being) in both dimensions to make dimension skipping work."

"So, this uber race is stuck in another dimension and they need us to free them?"

"Not really."

"Then what are we here for?"

"To help them cross dimensions. Not to set them free, but to help them cross."

"Huh?"

"You see, our meaning of life is to help the super uber race. And their meaning of life is to cross dimensions. They need to cross, not just to get to the other side, but to give us a purpose in life. They need to cross, not just to find another dimension, but to cross for the sake of crossing."

"So, let me get this straight? The chicken crossed the road, not to get to the other side, but it was his purpose in life to cross the road?"

"Not really."

"Then what?"

"It was our purpose in life to construct the road for the chicken to cross. The chicken crossing is just a result of our road building. Meaning that we needed to build the road in order to ask the question "why did the chicken cross the road?". The chicken simply crosses the road because his purpose in life is to be a chicken under the influence of humans. Although, this statement does not apply to all chickens throughout time, only this particular chicken.
Chickens are simple creatures and that was a bad analogy to begin with."

"So, then what should i do with my life? Try to cross dimensions so i can hopefully help the super race in their purpose."

"No."

"So, then should i just live my life to the fullest, considering i will never change anything?"

"No."

"So, then should i try to follow the uber race's influence and just go with the flow of a modern day ignorant human destroying, polluting, ruining and eating McDonald's?"

"No."

"So, then what should i do?"

"Build a road."

"For what?"

"For the chicken to cross."

Hello world; here's a shitty picture.

The meaning of life.... X/O

The city is in black and white
and your doctor told you to go home
you hypochondriac
you liver of life

each day that passes
is just another reason to question yourself
and why you are alive
what is the meaning of life?

she tells me to be alive
he says to change the world
and my humble beginnings tell me to reproduce
it makes sense
doesn't it?

every species alive and even dead
has not lived to change the world
has not lived to fall in love
has not had any choice other than to live
why must we think that we are better?

We are all alive just because we are.........
creating more life is just what happens when creatures are allowed to live
and i'm sorry, but it's the truth

but the meaning of life is just that simple

Sure, i want to create
sure, i want to travel
sure, i want to experience life to it's fullest
sure, i want to change the world
sure, i would love to make a difference

Really
when it all comes down to it
when it really gets to the bone
and the hot dog that you were chasing
is taken out from in front of your face
you are alone
with nothing to show for it.