Dust bunnies drank all my scotch.

I haven't smiled in three god damn days
and my hand is sore
from spilling my guts
luckily the paper
spreads its wings, opens spine
to catch my entrails
via pen
via type

I fall asleep without warning
and breathe alone, at random
each step is a heartbeat
waiting to trip, ready to fall
face down as an infant without reaction
every line break
and every period is just
a blink of my eye
waiting to pop from my skull
and roll onto the floor

under the bed
where i hide my whiskey
where the dust bunnies protect my wine
my vice
my daily nightcap

somebody tell them to stop
throwing parties
till all hours of the morning
with their electronic
hiphoporchestropop

now, i have no problem with dust bunnies
living under my bed
and i sure wont kick them out
but, drunk dust bunnies
I hate!

I haven't smiled in three days
as i walk like a zombie
my head still rattles
from last night
so, again, i spill my guts.

Excerpt

"Your mind starts things on fire, just to blow them out.
Your mind takes things apart just to put them back together.
Your mind lost two screws and ended up with three extra washers."

A. Reynolds

The clarity of sound.

I was thinking.....
As I was eating a burrito, all of the filling spilling out of the sides. Yes, I had cut it and was using a fork.
But, who determines how sharp a fork can be?
Who?
Somebody has to.
Somebody has to sit in a little cubicle somewhere far away from here and determine exactly how sharp your forks should be. Just enough to spear your food, but not sharp enough to be dangerous to the touch.
Huh.......

Then there is everything else in the whole world. There are standards and guidelines for everything....... Just imagine ----------
How wide roads are.
How thick walls are.
How thin cans are.
How tight lids snap.
How strong cardboard is.
How heavy cups are.
How long tires last.
The ratio of carbon to iron in your toaster.
The clarity of sound emanating from your television.
The brightness of said television.

Everything has measurements and figures that we know nothing about.
Everything has been thought out and engineered exactly to meet our needs.
That is......
Except for the sharpness of my fork!

Beer and sleeping pills.

Right now I am watching the shining
I am listening to play crack the sky
I am typing on my computer
I am drinking a beer
I am sitting down
I am relaxing
I am getting drunk
I am settling down
I am so fucking good at multitasking.

Somebody please help me
Jack Nicholson is scaring me
My leg is falling asleep.

I know that you want me to keep you alive
with the "existence" and everything
I know that you want me to tell you
right from wrong
moral standpoints
and immoral discretion

truth is
sometimes
we, even the most intelligent of us
even the most inventive of us
all of us knowing
all of us thinking
we sometimes
get a little down on ourselves
no matter what
no matter the situation

I thought the other day
I was taking sleeping pills and beer
that since I was doing it anyway
slowly
why not just do it all at once
why not just finish the bottle
why not just finish the case

If all I ever do
is slowly kill myself
if all I ever do is start
but never finish the job
then what's the point
I should just do one or the other
I should just eat healthy
and ride my bike
and eat granola
because otherwise
all I am really doing is killing myself
slowly
but, killing myself.

Am I a pussy?
should I just do it?
Or is that just what life is?
killing yourself slowly?
everyday inching towards your own demise?

A dream within a dream.

I had a dream
i fell asleep with my computer
and in my dream i had written something on my computer
i had no idea what was written, as i was dreaming
but i do remember that it was about a page and a half long
it looked like a lengthy poem
not nearly using as many
spaces
and stops
as
my
nor mal
poems
But, what i really loved was this......
i was dreaming that i was dreaming
and in my dream within a dream i had remembered to try and save my work
i told myself to sleep just a little bit longer
and press
save as...
...thats all you have to do before you wake up
press
save as...
so i did, it felt great
i felt that i had made a connection between
my conscious and subconscious
using my computer
I remembered thinking that
this is going to be great when i wake up
i will have something saved on my computer
that i wrote while in a dream
after i pressed
save as...
I was woken up by a moving company
hired to
deliver a new bed
into my room
angry i was still asleep
and said they had been knocking
luckily my mother had shown up
and let them in
i paid no mind.
all i wanted to see was my computer
so i opened it up
and turned it on
and opened the file
guess what it said.
The meaning of life?
the reason for dreaming?
Life after death?
A 13th dimension?
Spirits and souls?
Was it a poem about my dead dog?
Was it a connection from outer space?
did it predict the future?
Maybe
But the file didn't save correctly
and all i got was this
-----------------------
-
<<<<<___________----------__________
-------------,.,<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
--------
The whole page and a half
nothing but
__________<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
................................................>>>>>>>>,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,---------
and__________---------__________--------__________-------
or+++++++++++++++++===============>>>>>>>>>>>,,,
So, did i write those symbols in my dream?
I don't really know
good question.
this was not an experience i had
it was a dream i had
it was a dream within a dream
So there was no moving company
there was no computer
there was no
save as...
no words
no symbols.
nothing.
so i woke up,
walked upstairs
opened my computer
and turned it on.
there it was....
the meaning of life.
Really, no joke.
Wanna know what it is?
___________________-------------------------------------------------------_______
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<__________________-------
____-----___--__-_--__---__>-.>->->>,,-..,_++_+__<<<<>>_+_:":":
+_+_+_+_+)_(_)(_*^%#@#&^^*&^%$)*(_
)_+_+_)+_+_)+<<><><<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>,<<<<,,,,,,,,,,.........;;;;;;;;;'
--------============_____________------............_______--
It lasts for a page and a half, so i just paraphrased.

I found it! (i know its dumb, but i had fun)

I have got it!

the meaning of life

i was so excited when i found it
it was hidden under a rock
under a castle under the earth
in a box
in a paper towel
in a real towel
covered with soot
covered with dirt
covered with blood
and sweat
drenched in tears
and cum
and rain

it smelled like the garbage disposal would
if it didn't work

with eggs and tomatoes
and cauliflower and cheese

It looked like Jesus resurrected
it looked like God's penis dipped in chocolate

and i almost took a bite
i almost thought about taking a bite
it went through my head
at the very least
I took a step back
and i said to myself
"how do i know what god's penis looks like?"

So I put it back
under a rock
under a castle under the earth
I put it in a box
and wrapped it in a towel
then in a real towel
i covered it with soot
and then some dirt
i bled all over it

It was hot
so i cried
then i came all over it (it did look like god's penis)

It started to rain.....
so i made breakfast

and then i made dinner

I had dessert.

i went home
to tell everybody about my discovery
and nobody was there to greet me
nobody even recognized me

i was ignored
i was followed
i was covered in soot
and blood
and cum
i was wrapped in a paper towel
then in a real towel

and buried somewhere
in the earth
in a castle underneath another castle
and i stank.

like cauliflower and cheese
and eggs and tomatoes
but i did
i really did
at anything i did

i looked like gods penis
dipped in chocolate........

Oh i am cumming!

Here i am
Allister Reynolds

I have just finished.

and this is my life
yes
i know
yes i am depressed
of course i am depressed
wouldn't you be
put yourself in my shoes
please do..


please.....
because somebody needs to
if not me than whom?

I have just finished a book.

you know how i hate to finish things
i absolutely hate it
every second of it
god dammit
get it through your skull

i have never meant anything any more than this:
i hate finishing.

I have just finished four beers.

the first time you came...
you felt ashamed and dislocated
the first time you had sex
you felt ashamed and dislocated
the first time you watched television
the first time you fell over
the first time you spoke to a woman
the first time that you wrote anything
or drew anything

I have just finished three sleeping pills.

I have a resentment for completion
I don't know if it is a basic human thought or not
i don't know if i am alone
or not

the book is not about where it leaves you
but where it takes you,
how you travel

naked and alone
it leaves you
ashamed and dislocated.

A poem to end all poems

There is no denying our own existential reality
how we have every right to question
anything
and everything that we have ever known
or will ever know

it is so easy to dismiss any belief
with this simple understanding

in the understanding:
that there is no understanding

the understanding:
that there is no possible way to understand

that having been said
ok
alright

but you need to establish a reality
everybody needs a reality, a plane, a dimension in which you live
whether you chose to understand or not
you still need a place to do all this misunderstanding

and the place that you do this is here
and you are here
and there is no denying that you are here


because i can see you
because i can touch you
and hold you
if i wanted to....
but you stink
and you sweat a lot
so why in the fucking hell would i want to touch you?
your gay.

so there you go

you have established a reality
you have established a plane on which you will exist
that plane has rules
that plane has morals
that plane has basic principals

you may not fly

you may not move things with your mind

you may not and will not ever, ever bend the rules

you may not ever leave this plain

you cannot

do you believe me yet
do you believe in reality yet

all that this is about;
is me

this is not about you
this is not about your needing for a reality
this is about my needing for a reality
this is about my need for truth
and my search for divinity

you don't really smell
but i still don't want to touch you
you aren't gay (I hope not(not like it matters))
and neither am i

this is about me explaining existence to myself
because i have given up
i have given up believing in not believing
i have given up in understanding in never understanding.


i believe in a reality

at least we have established that.